Grief Tactics...and the need I feel to share them.

My post today was going to be about blaming my friend, Adam's, departure on my now 4 week long sickness, rather than continuing to blame it on swine flu...but something else has come up. And I feel really compelled to share some of my knowledge.

Everyone grieves differently. I know this because A) It's common sense and B) I have seven siblings, all of whom dealt with the deaths of my parents VERY differently.

For those of you who might be new to the blog, I lost both my parents when I was a teenager. I lost my father to congestive heart and kidney failure on February 1, 1999 (I was 17) and my mother to cancer on January 17, 2001 (I was 19). I also lost a friend to suicide in 1997, a friend to a car wreck caused by a drunk driver in 1998 and my best and closest friend in 2002. With that said, I've kind of been through the ringer as far as cause of death is concerned.

I can tell you these things that I've learned along the way, they may not all apply to everyone, but they might help someone. If I can help ONE
person deal with their grief, my job is complete. I know how awful it is to feel alone and isolated when dealing with death.

1. Grief takes time. My father's death didn't really "hit me" until about 6 months after the fact. Allow people to grieve on their own schedule, not one that you deem appropriate.
   
2. People never "get over it". No matter how much time goes by, significant dates ALWAYS matter. Birthdays, death dates, anniversaries, etc will MEAN something to them. Give them extra hugs and kisses on those days. Don't demean them because YOU feel they should be over it.
   
3. Time doesn't heal, but it does, eventually, dull the pain. It's been 10 years since I lost my dad and I still think of him every single day.
   
4. Ignoring it doesn't count as grieving. I spend 5 years ignoring my dad's death before I spent 3 years in therapy to help me properly grieve. By that time, I'd also lost my mom and two of my closest friends on top of it. Allow yourself the time to deal with the feelings that present themselves. It won't always be easy and it certainly won't always be hard...but it's necessary to deal with the issues as they arise.
   
5. Patience truly is a virtue. I find myself, even now, years after all these deaths, crying for no apparent reason at NO apparent time. Be patient with your loved ones. Grief never really ends.
6. Two book recommendations that truly saved my life during my lowest points, both of which are children's books by Warren Hanson:
   
   ***The Next Place: It's a book about what the afterlife must be like and it's truly inspirational. With beautiful illustrations and explanations in layman's terms, this book truly helped me to understand and realize that my loved ones ARE in a better place.
   
   ***Beginning: Encouragement at the Start of Something New: This is a book that truly allows you to realize that even though life ends, a new beginning really does start.

In my opinion, grief is a life long process. You will have good days and bad days. You will have days where all you do is cry and days where you might not think of your loved ones passed at all. THAT'S ALL OKAY!

I'm happy to share with anyone who might have questions/concerns. Just email me: mstordah@nmdp.org