Oh, what a night!

Last night, I found myself in the middle of something I didn't want to be in, but I couldn't stop.

I started to clean the two side cabinets on the entertainment center. They are FILLED with tons of crap that can and should be tossed...but I don't know what made me think to do that last night.

Jack was sound asleep in his crib. I finished the first side in a matter of minutes...just tossed 90% of what was in it. The second one took me MUCH longer. Inside the door, at the VERY back, was a shoebox. I was uncertain of it's contents. I had already divided everything else into "keep" and "toss" piles. Then, I opened it up. I immediately started crying.

Inside, on the top, was a card I'd made for my dad for father's day...in kindergarden. Below that were ALL the cards that I'd received from friends when my father died...in February of 1999. It's been 10 years since I lost my dad, but I have never, ever read these cards. I wrote thank you notes to each and every person who gave me a card, but I never read the contents. I think, at the time, I was at a point in my life where I knew I wouldn't be able to handle whatever people had written. There was even a book from my hockey team, sharing all their memories of my dad. I never realized that my dad had such a profound effect on other people as he did on me. Last night, I read them all...

I sat on my couch and read each and every amazing word. And I sobbed. When I was done, I realized the cards for my mom were underneath...I read those, too. Like my father's cards, I'd never read the ones from my mom's death either. That was 8 years ago.

I came to two very, very real conclusions.

The first, and most important, is that I have people who have been/are still a part of my life who don't know the profound impact they've had on my life. Realistically, without some of them, I don't know where I'd be.

The second, I am really glad that I saved those cards for now...when I am finally over the "shock" of losing my parents and being orphaned at age 19. I have a great respect for the people who shared stories with me. I am forever grateful.

And I feel compelled to call people out:

Sara Taylor: My roommate at St. Ben's. I knew Sara was my roommate for a reason. We found out, shortly after we moved in, that we had both lost our father's and we both had September birthdays! Sara probably doesn't even know this, but she truly was one of the reasons that I got through my mom's death. I have letters from her and her mom and sisters that have truly touched my heart. I saved each and every one of them. They really do help me get through hard days.

Andy Stehberger: Andy was my best friend at college. We had two classes together and we quickly became friends because we both smoked. We used to sit outside, on the ledge, smoking and talking about life. He was sharing stories about Britni, his then-girlfriend back home...and I'd share stories about my mom. There were many phone calls back and forth between us after my mom died. He used to come over to my dorm and hang out with me, while all I did was sob. No words can really justify how I felt, but I never felt like I had to tell him anything. He just stayed with me. He even came to visit me, at home, after I'd left CSB.

Sara and Andy aren't really a part of my life anymore, but I do keep up with them via facebook. I wish that each of them had a more profound place in my life, because I feel like I owe them dearly for how wonderful they were to me. I don't know that either one of them knows how grateful I am for all of the things that they did.

Dave Daily: Dave was my rock through a lot of hard points in my life. He probably doesn't even know that there are times I probably would have been dead if it weren't for him. There were constant nights, after work, crying. There were constant phone calls, crying. When my dad died, I called Dave at around 4am...and he answered the phone. I didn't even know what to say, or if I said anything. That whole day is quite the blur. I just remember that he never once left my side during that time. I am forever grateful that someone in my life had the pleasure of knowing BOTH my parents. I hope Dave feels the same. I have tons of letters, cards, emails from him about every and anything. Above all, Dave made me feel like I was a strong, independent woman who could get through and come out of all of this stronger. The one point in my life that I remember every word of with him is this: My dad died on 2/1/99. It was 10 days before the Section final in hockey, where we'd face Eagan to go to state. ALL my family was there, so was Dave. After the game, in a mess of tears, Dave hugged me and said, "He had the best seat in the house". Yes, Dave...he really did. Thank you for being such an amazing person, with a kind heart. You truly were my rock. Thanks for believing in me...when I couldn't even believe in myself.

The Schmidt Family: This family is like a second family to me. I consider Cindy and Bill "Mom" and "Dad" and call them as such. Wes and I were very close my senior year and he was absolutely instrumental in helping me cope with my mom's initial diagnosis. I didn't know what to do or how to deal it. I had lost my father the year before and was NOT prepared to lose my mom, too. I hope Wes knows that his support meant the world to me. I am so grateful. I hope Mom and Dad know how much I love them and am so grateful to have them in my life, even now. I truly am blessed to have such an amazing second family. Even if I don't see them/talk to them as much as I'd like...not a day goes by that I don't think of them.

Joel Deusterman: Joel was one of my bff's in high school. We became friends when Joel continually skipped IB History with Conrad and needed to copy my notes. Thanks to me, Joel passed that class. I have email after email from Joel that I printed off and saved. Emails about how unfair ALL of it is...emails about how much our friendship means to him. I called him Pooh and he called me Piglet. My favorite memory is: right near Christmastime, the year I'd lost my dad, Joel and Jake Marty were coming over to study. When they arrived, my mom made them unwrap ALL the Hershey's Kisses for the kiss cookies before they could come upstairs to study with me. I think it was the one time I EVER heard my mom ask for help from anyone. Joel, even now, those emails inspire me. Thank you...for absolutely everything.

That's it for now. If I keep going, I'm going to be a sobbing mess.