A Bit on the Emotional Side...

I'm realizing a lot of things that I've done looking back on the process through divorce. I realized just how much I internalized...and never shared with anyone. I kept a lot of emotion pent up. I'm not sure why. I guess it's part of who I am. Grief is a hard emotion to come by. For me, it's just something that I don't share. I don't talk about it. I never let on that I'm upset by it or need help. I'm trying to change that.

I have never really shared the emotions of grieving with anyone. Good Adam, as he's affectionately called by me, endured the brunt of it with Lisa's death. Part of the reason for that is because he was there. He was there when I got that phone call. I didn't have a choice. I literally collapsed to the floor, in the middle of work, and sobbed. Bless his heart. He stood by me through all the emotions. He talked me down. He held my hand. He was there for me in ways that I never would have imagined. He truly, truly saved my life.

As for my parents, I have never truly grieved their loss. Ever. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I feel like I was such a child when I lost my father...when I lost my mother two years later, I didn't know how to handle the emotions. Sure, I did therapy. Sure, I talked to friends. But I never truly allowed myself the time to be emotional, to cry, to be angry, to yell, scream and be pissed off. I'm realizing now the consequences of all that.

Emotions overcome me at the stupidest times. I remember an email from my sister, Terese, when my mom was sick. She was telling me that she saw a billboard that said, "Got Jesus?" and she started crying in her car. I feel that way a lot lately.

I'm sad that I don't have my mom to call when I'm having a shitty day. I'm sad that I don't have my parents to rely on. I'm sad that I don't get to share big news with my parents. I'm pissed off that God took them from me at such a young age. (Though, I will be the first to say that I'm glad both my parents didn't suffer and went relatively quickly). My siblings were good to my brother and I after this happened, but I miss my parents. More than I could ever convey into words.

I need to grieve. I need to talk to someone about the emotions surrounding my parents' deaths....and I need to get passed this. I want to be at the point where I remember the good times....not seeing them hooked up to machines in hospitals.

I don't know how to end this, so I won't come up with something clever. Except to say, I'm trying.