I come down from these amazing highs. I spend time with people who really, truly care about Jack and I...and yet, somehow, that high always dissipates...and I end up lonely again.
Being alone really sucks. Being here without Jack is truly awful. And never feeling like I can talk to anyone about it is the down right worst part.
Not having my parents is really getting to me lately. I don't feel like I have anyone I can rely on like we rely on our parents. There are so many things I need right now, and I just don't have the strength or the courage to ask for the help I need....for fear of whomever I ask telling me no. And because I'm 28 years old, I like to think I should be able to fend for myself. And I can't. I am failing miserably at it.
So, here I sit. In the same lonely, depressing place that I feel like I was in 9 years ago when I lost my mom. It's so hard to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel, when I feel like my engine stalled and I can't go anywhere. The worst part...I don't WANT to be here. I feel like I've done everything right the last few months. I got out. I got away. I started over. And yet, I can't snap it. I can't get out of the funk. I can't process things. I can't make sense of things. I'm being irrational. I won't let the people that I need in my life into my life. I'm pushing people away. In fact, I'm really pushing away the people I should be allowing IN. And I'm being really mistrusting. There are people in my life that I KNOW want to be there, but I just have irrational fears about the things happening in their lives. It's wrong, and I know it...just wish there was a way, other than the obvious, for me to believe this person.
It all makes me feel like a failure. I'm failing Jack. I can barely provide the basic necessities for him. None of his clothes fit. He eats the hodge podge of crap that might be in the fridge. Every week, I wonder whether or not I'll be able to pay day care or have enough gas to get to work. And every week I end up on the phone with one of my friends, sobbing, because I don't know what else to do. It's a vicious cycle to continually feel like a failure. Over and over. Week after week.
I don't know what else to do. Soon enough, I feel like I won't have anything left. Except my undying love for my son. And I just hope that is enough.
Because, lately, I am not enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not financially stable enough. I just, for once in my life, want to be enough.
Sweetie, you are enough at everything. I understand why you feel the way that you do, things have really changed for you. I know that if you asked Jack if he was happy, if he knew Mommy loved him, if he smiled at least 5 times today, he would answer yes to all of those questions. I know it. Feel better, love you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh Mary. I am so sorry you feel this way. I know that me telling you isn't going to help...but you ARE enough. You are doing the best you can with what you have. You love your son. You are hanging in there - sometimes that is all you can do. You do have friends who love you for you who are...not because of what you do or don't do, and who don't worry about whether you are "enough" - because you're just YOU, and THAT is "enough" for the people who love you.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking about you and praying for you, and I'll be here any time you need a friend. You know how to get in touch with me.
Sending you lots of hugs, friend.