My Emotions.

I knew that when things were finalized, I would feel happy, relieved and an overwhelming sense of freedom.

What I didn't anticipate are the residual emotions that are coming along with it all.

The anger, the hurt, the disappointment, the tears, the pain, the failure, the overwhelming sense of not being good enough for anyone. I never thought that those emotions would ever come flooding back. I knew, from day one, that leaving him was absolutely the right decision for me and Jack...I have never doubted that. Ever. And I still don't doubt it. So, why this? Why now?

I don't know why. Lately, I've felt like a failure in a lot of aspects of my life, but leaving him was never one of them. Now, I just feel overwhelmed. It's as if all of these pent up emotions are now coming flooding back and I cannot figure out why. Maybe it's because I never dealt with any of them. I have always been good at letting things build up inside me until I break. I don't talk about my emotions, how I'm feeling or how it's affecting me with anyone. I never have, and, likely, never will.

Julie had it right when she said, "When you've been in a relationship that broke you down and tore you apart and turned you into someone you no longer recognized in the mirror a divorce is something that sets you free to be yourself again"...so why don't I feel free? Why don't I feel good enough?

One of the other Julie's (from Colorado) and I were talking today. I'm having a really frustrating day...and can't quite shake the feeling of worthlessness. She's right, doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are COMPLETELY different. I'm doing the right thing. When I started this journey, I knew it wouldn't be easy. There were plenty of times where I wanted to give up, give in and get out. So many that I can't even count. I had lots of supporters who reminded me that I need to do what's best for me and what's best for Jack.

Maybe I need to step back...figure out who the hell I am, as ME, and what the hell I want. Not who I am as a girlfriend, a mother, a sister, a daughter or a friend....but as ME. Spend time with Jack doing things that we would have never done. Explore places we'd never have explored. Go to baseball games. Go to hockey games. Explore state parks. Go hiking. Spend time with our family. Feel the undying love from people who truly love us. Take time to myself....to go to Duluth, to see Lisa's family, spend time with people who care about me and want what's best for me. Once I can figure out who I am, think of the possibilities. I'll finally have true inner strength and no one will be able to break me down again.

I'm trying SO hard to see past all the bad...all the things that he said and did that broke me down into feeling like absolutely nothing...I'm trying to ignore the feelings of being sub-par. I'm trying to believe in myself. Believe that I am beautiful and wonderful and all the things that I want to be. Believe that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to.

For now, I'll just be "content" being where I'm at. I'll try to come up with ways to deal with the emotions...and deal with the feelings that I have inside. Maybe, someday, I can just have a good cry session and get it all out. Until then....I don't know what to do.