I was told today that I’m not blogging enough, so I decided to try and write out my thoughts. There’s been a LOT going on in this head of mine lately. I promise nothing except that this will be a complete cluster fuck of thoughts. (Danielle…Alisa….are you happy now?!??!?!)
Honestly, things have been going fantastically well lately. I’m happy with my life for the first time in a long time…I’m getting to the point where I’m happy with myself…I truly believe in who I am as a person. I know that I’m a good woman, a good mother and a good role model for my son. I know that somewhere, underneath the me that is unhappy with my body, there is a beautiful woman. And I know that only *I* control the outcome of that.
Am I going to struggle with my emotions about all of this? Of course I am. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. I have come to terms with what’s happening. I’m done being sad about it. I’m done grieving. I am surrounded by incredible people who have lifted my life up in ways I never imagined possible. I have great friends and a great support core who have helped me every step along the way. I am moving on…and I know, without a doubt, that there is nothing but amazing things to come for me. AH. MAZING. I’ve been at the bottom of the hill for a while…there’s no where to go except up!
I’m working on a proposal for my boss so that I can go back to school and finish my degree. One of the perks of working for NMDP is that they will pay $2,000 a year for me to go to school. I have always wanted to finish my Biochemistry degree, but think that I might add a Non-Profit Management or Environmental Studies minor (or second major). I’ve always wanted to be an anesthesiologist (and that was heightened for me when he gave me my epidural during labor…I wanted to kiss that man!!). So, who knows where a Bachelor’s will lead me. Maybe to a Master’s. Maybe to a Ph.D. Either way, it’s MY decision for ME.
Going back to school is something that I’ve always wanted to do, but it was never a priority. I never EVER put myself first. Once I made the decision to put myself first, it opened a ton of doors for me. The possibilities are endless once I have my degree. I could certainly apply it towards my work at the NMDP…who knows, maybe that means taking a position elsewhere. I don’t know. Ultimately, I know that it will be a huge accomplishment for me. It’s also something that my family and friends would be REALLY proud of me for…and I’d be damn proud of myself, too.
Being better for me is making me a better mother for my son. Not feeling worthless, fat and ugly has made me realize that there are people out there who love and appreciate me for who I am…not what I can be. Jack truly is a great kid. He’s smart (he gets that from his Momma!), he’s energetic, he’s athletic (the next Joe Mauer, I’m telling you! He’s going to fund my retirement!). Shannon, his old day care provider, told me that he’s the most advanced 3 year old she’s ever had in her care…and she’s been doing it for 20+ years!
Lately, I’ve had a lot more “I miss my Mommy and Daddy” days than I care to admit. I miss not having my Daddy here to tell everything to. But you know what? There are people in my life that I trust with the world. I’ve shared things lately that I’ve never shared with anyone before. Feelings, emotions…things that I don’t take lightly. I was in therapy on and off for 6 years…and I never shared anything about my parents’ deaths with my therapist. I felt like telling her my feelings meant having to forget, so I never did it. I’m slowly working to the point where talking about my parents doesn't mean forgetting. I need to get there. My parents were truly great people and others need to know just how wonderful they were. I still have people say to me, “You look just like your mother”…and I used to cringe…now, I take it as a compliment. I hope that I’m half the woman and mother that my mom was.
It’s amazing how your life can change when you do nothing but make great, positive decisions for your future. I know that my life will continue to go forward, and it was up to me to make the decision whether I was going to be sad….or take the bull by the horns. I’m moving forward with my life. I deserve nothing but good things…and I’ll be damned if I settle for less.
I want to end with what has become my “Bible” as of late. The book is called Beginning: Encouragement at the Start of Something New by Warren Hanson. I was given this book shortly after my mother’s death.
“This is the beginning…this is where it all will start on the wings of some new spirit with the beat of some new heart. Every morning brings a promise. Every day has gifts to give. But today…right now….this minute….is when I begin to live. And the air that I am breathing is the breeze of what could be, as I stand here looking out on all that things that could be me. And the road that goes before me, leading somewhere out of sight, is a brand new opportunity for me to get it right.
This is the beginning. This is once upon a time… There are dragons to be vanquished! There are castle walls to climb! But this story isn’t written yet. I’m only at page one. The adventure that’s awaiting me has only just begun. There are mysteries and treasures. There are daring deeds to do! And if I speak the secret word, then all my wishes will come true. That magic word has powers that can make the heavens spin., but it really is no secret that the password is…Begin!
Oh! The possibilities in this beginning I have made! I am ready!...but reluctant. I’m excited!...but afraid. Afraid that starting something new leaves something old behind. Afraid that what I seek is something I may never find. Or, if I find it, that it won’t be what I want at all. That what I’ve left behind is what I needed after all. Beginning can be bittersweet, and hard to comprehend. It can mean that some sweet, precious part of life is at an end. And the heart can feel so hollow when it has to say good-bye that the thought of starting over is too hard to even try. But when I reach the end, when all my days are nearly through, I will not want to look back on all the things I didn’t do. Nor regret the joys and passions of the me that might have been, if only I had found the simple courage to begin.
Honestly, things have been going fantastically well lately. I’m happy with my life for the first time in a long time…I’m getting to the point where I’m happy with myself…I truly believe in who I am as a person. I know that I’m a good woman, a good mother and a good role model for my son. I know that somewhere, underneath the me that is unhappy with my body, there is a beautiful woman. And I know that only *I* control the outcome of that.
Am I going to struggle with my emotions about all of this? Of course I am. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. I have come to terms with what’s happening. I’m done being sad about it. I’m done grieving. I am surrounded by incredible people who have lifted my life up in ways I never imagined possible. I have great friends and a great support core who have helped me every step along the way. I am moving on…and I know, without a doubt, that there is nothing but amazing things to come for me. AH. MAZING. I’ve been at the bottom of the hill for a while…there’s no where to go except up!
I’m working on a proposal for my boss so that I can go back to school and finish my degree. One of the perks of working for NMDP is that they will pay $2,000 a year for me to go to school. I have always wanted to finish my Biochemistry degree, but think that I might add a Non-Profit Management or Environmental Studies minor (or second major). I’ve always wanted to be an anesthesiologist (and that was heightened for me when he gave me my epidural during labor…I wanted to kiss that man!!). So, who knows where a Bachelor’s will lead me. Maybe to a Master’s. Maybe to a Ph.D. Either way, it’s MY decision for ME.
Going back to school is something that I’ve always wanted to do, but it was never a priority. I never EVER put myself first. Once I made the decision to put myself first, it opened a ton of doors for me. The possibilities are endless once I have my degree. I could certainly apply it towards my work at the NMDP…who knows, maybe that means taking a position elsewhere. I don’t know. Ultimately, I know that it will be a huge accomplishment for me. It’s also something that my family and friends would be REALLY proud of me for…and I’d be damn proud of myself, too.
Being better for me is making me a better mother for my son. Not feeling worthless, fat and ugly has made me realize that there are people out there who love and appreciate me for who I am…not what I can be. Jack truly is a great kid. He’s smart (he gets that from his Momma!), he’s energetic, he’s athletic (the next Joe Mauer, I’m telling you! He’s going to fund my retirement!). Shannon, his old day care provider, told me that he’s the most advanced 3 year old she’s ever had in her care…and she’s been doing it for 20+ years!
Lately, I’ve had a lot more “I miss my Mommy and Daddy” days than I care to admit. I miss not having my Daddy here to tell everything to. But you know what? There are people in my life that I trust with the world. I’ve shared things lately that I’ve never shared with anyone before. Feelings, emotions…things that I don’t take lightly. I was in therapy on and off for 6 years…and I never shared anything about my parents’ deaths with my therapist. I felt like telling her my feelings meant having to forget, so I never did it. I’m slowly working to the point where talking about my parents doesn't mean forgetting. I need to get there. My parents were truly great people and others need to know just how wonderful they were. I still have people say to me, “You look just like your mother”…and I used to cringe…now, I take it as a compliment. I hope that I’m half the woman and mother that my mom was.
It’s amazing how your life can change when you do nothing but make great, positive decisions for your future. I know that my life will continue to go forward, and it was up to me to make the decision whether I was going to be sad….or take the bull by the horns. I’m moving forward with my life. I deserve nothing but good things…and I’ll be damned if I settle for less.
I want to end with what has become my “Bible” as of late. The book is called Beginning: Encouragement at the Start of Something New by Warren Hanson. I was given this book shortly after my mother’s death.
“This is the beginning…this is where it all will start on the wings of some new spirit with the beat of some new heart. Every morning brings a promise. Every day has gifts to give. But today…right now….this minute….is when I begin to live. And the air that I am breathing is the breeze of what could be, as I stand here looking out on all that things that could be me. And the road that goes before me, leading somewhere out of sight, is a brand new opportunity for me to get it right.
This is the beginning. This is once upon a time… There are dragons to be vanquished! There are castle walls to climb! But this story isn’t written yet. I’m only at page one. The adventure that’s awaiting me has only just begun. There are mysteries and treasures. There are daring deeds to do! And if I speak the secret word, then all my wishes will come true. That magic word has powers that can make the heavens spin., but it really is no secret that the password is…Begin!
Oh! The possibilities in this beginning I have made! I am ready!...but reluctant. I’m excited!...but afraid. Afraid that starting something new leaves something old behind. Afraid that what I seek is something I may never find. Or, if I find it, that it won’t be what I want at all. That what I’ve left behind is what I needed after all. Beginning can be bittersweet, and hard to comprehend. It can mean that some sweet, precious part of life is at an end. And the heart can feel so hollow when it has to say good-bye that the thought of starting over is too hard to even try. But when I reach the end, when all my days are nearly through, I will not want to look back on all the things I didn’t do. Nor regret the joys and passions of the me that might have been, if only I had found the simple courage to begin.
So…this is the beginning.
My beginning.
My rebirth.
I awaken to the wonder of what I am really worth. It’s a springtime for the spirit, and it’s giving me a choice. so I choose to use this season as a reason to rejoice! I lift my voice in sweet thanksgiving, singing loud…and not alone. A host of harmonies accompanies my song of the unknown. Loving friends and willing strangers with their voices joining in, create a chorus of encouragement that begs me to begin.
My beginning.
My rebirth.
I awaken to the wonder of what I am really worth. It’s a springtime for the spirit, and it’s giving me a choice. so I choose to use this season as a reason to rejoice! I lift my voice in sweet thanksgiving, singing loud…and not alone. A host of harmonies accompanies my song of the unknown. Loving friends and willing strangers with their voices joining in, create a chorus of encouragement that begs me to begin.
And the end?...
It’s out there somewhere, farther than the heart can see. and the power that will take me there is here, inside of me. Though there is no way I can know how many trials I’ll endure, Nor the joys that I may find, there is one thing I know for sure…
This is the beginning.
----
It’s out there somewhere, farther than the heart can see. and the power that will take me there is here, inside of me. Though there is no way I can know how many trials I’ll endure, Nor the joys that I may find, there is one thing I know for sure…
This is the beginning.
----
This IS the beginning. MY beginning.
AWeeeeeeeeeeeeee such great words coming from such a great person!
ReplyDeleteHUGS sweetie! You ARE a wonderful person and this IS the beginning of the rest of your wonderful life!
I agree with Reid! You're a wonderful person, and you are making a great new start. We love you and will support you in any way we can!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Reid The possibilities are endless. You are amazing and I support you in what ever way I can. :)
ReplyDeleteYou go girl!!! Go out there and show the world what great stuff your really made of. You can do anything, and everything you want!
ReplyDeleteAnd you don't blog enough some times, so I'm glad they bothered you about it. :)
See you in 7 weeks and 1 day (but who's counting)! ;)