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Grief is a pretty overwhelming emotion. It sucks at your soul like someone trying to take you down. Entangled in grief is despair, helplessness, hopelessness and anger. It took me a lot of years to really, truly realize how debilitating grief can be.
Over and over you hear that time makes it easier. You want to know my opinion of the people who say that? They've never been there. They've never truly experienced the depths at which grief can take you over. Sure, in time, you might stop thinking about the horrific circumstances that SURROUND the event, but it doesn't mean you forget. You never forget.
First, the despair sets in. I've told many friends that I call this the "why me" stage. It's the point where you try and figure out why, exactly, the situation is happening to you. What did *I* do to have to go through this? Why did God put this on MY plate? Why? Why? Why?
Then the despair turns to helplessness. Why can't I do anything to help? Why do I have to wait for answers? It's the stage when life stops -- completely -- and you sit back and wonder how the fuck everyone else can go on with their lives while yours comes screeching to a halt?
The hopelessness, for me, is the hardest part. Hands down. It's the overwhelming feeling where nothing you can do or say can take any pain away. It's the point at which you realize that what you thought was a sick, sick dream is really a reality.
When you've finally realized all this -- you just get angry -- down right pissed off. For me, anger was the hardest to accept and recover from. I'm in year 7 of therapy and I still don't feel like I'm passed the point of anger. Partially because getting over the anger usually means that forgiveness follows, but more so because I felt getting over the anger meant forgetting. I never want to forget.
You're probably sitting back thinking what the HELL made her write about grief today? Why the hell is she sharing all this with us? Over the weekend, one of our friends was out snowmobiling on the St. Croix. He hit a patch of open water...and he didn't make it out. He was 28 years old, and his girlfriend is expecting their first child. Rescue divers recovered his sled, but they did not recover his body. It was changed to a recovery effort on Saturday and the search was called off completely on Sunday morning.
Pea-brain, as he was affectionately called, was always the trouble maker of the group. He's the only person I know who has ever broken out of detox.
Life truly is short. When you lose friends/family at a young age, you truly become instantly thankful for the things that you've been given. I can't imagine burying my son and I certainly can't imagine burying my son while his girlfriend is pregnant.
Right now, we're all at the despair stage. As of yet, the entirety surrounding the circumstances is not even tangible. To me, this is a sick, fucked up dream...and Pea-brain is going to walk up at any moment.
All I ask is this -- Never EVER end a day without those people who mean the most to you KNOWING what they mean to you. Say "I Love You". Text it. Call them. Email them. Do whatever you have to do. You never know when it's your time to go. You never want to leave this world with regret on your part or theirs.
Grief really, truly is an all encompassing, completely overwhelming emotion. All yourself to grieve. Don't let people tell you that you should "be over it". It's YOUR emotion. YOU are in control. And it's up to YOU to decide when to get over the anger.
Am I an expert in grief? Not by a long shot, but I've experienced enough in my life to finally have a grip on it. Does it make it easier? Fuck no. Does everyone grieve this way? No. Should everyone grieve this way? No. But I felt the overwhelming need to put this down on paper. And, really, mostly I just needed to do this to remind myself that how I feel, right in this very second, is normal.
I'd like to end with a quote that my mom shared with me on her death bed. Who knows, maybe it will help someone.
"Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone, his own burden, his own way."
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
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