The last few months have been emotionally and physically draining. Literally. In fact, so much so that I don't remember the last night that I got more than 2 hours of sleep. Some days, I wonder how the hell I function. Hell, MOST days I wonder how I function.
I've learned a lot about myself through this whole ordeal. I'm "strong"...and the funny thing is that I really have no idea what that really even means. I have heard so many people tell me how strong I am. You know what? I must put on a damn good front. I must have a ton of people fooled. Inside, I am a complete train wreck. In fact, I didn't think it was humanly possible to feel this dysfunctional.
I hear over and over from the wonderful women in my life how amazing I am and how beautiful I am. I am trying my damnedest to get to the point where I actually believe them...where I can see it for myself. I'm not there yet. In fact, I'm not sure how long it will take me to get there, but I know I need to.
I'm learning, really quickly, who my true friends are. I remember my mom telling me after I lost my father that my "true friends would emerge from the ashes and the ones who don't matter go back into the fire to be lost forever". I used to think my mom was nuts, but I see her point now. I learned, even more so, who my true friends were after mom's death...and I am blessed with the most amazing friend in the world now.
There truly are people who walked into my life at the right moments. People who inspire me every. single. day. to be the best mom that I can to my son. People who have lifted me from the darkest days and brought me back to reality.
Life is in a grim place right now. I'm caught somewhere between getting through the days and being really, really depressed. It's like walking a fine line that you don't want to be a part of, but have absolutely no way to get around.
Ah well. There's my thoughts.
sending love your way. I hope that whenever you need me you know that I am here. I have been a little gone lately and I'm sorry for that. You are amazing, I hope that you will see that and scream it from the roof tops one of these days.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Mary! You are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know I was thinking about ya! You are a strong woman, remember that. I know sometimes it is hard to relaize how strong we really are, so you will know very soon! Love ya sweetie!
ReplyDeleteWe tell you you're smart and beautiful because you are!! Being strong doesn't mean you don't cry or have feelings. You still have bad days and bad nights. But you carry on because you have to. For the sake of your son and for the sake of YOU!
ReplyDeleteTake it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. And grab hold of our hands - we'll be here for you!!!
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteEven if you don't feel strong, it doesn't mean you aren't. Sometimes getting through the day, when you feel like you're barely able to hold your head up is exactly what makes you so strong!
One day the most important little man in your life will be able to look at you and tell you how strong and amazing you are...maybe then you'll believe it. When you realize the amazing job you are doing raising him, you'll see exactly what it means you be strong!